MS leaves me a blubbering idiot at times and a stumbling idiot at others. Let's focus on the former rather than the later for the time being.
I have lesions in the frontal lobe of my brain, the part that affects cognition and speech. Sometimes, especially the more tired I get, I have trouble finding words. My family is smarter because of it, I'm sure. I mean, random rounds of charades is not a common occurrence in every house. Putting your brain power to normally unrequired use is stimulating unless, of course, you're the one with the brain that's not working properly.
Sometimes it's a situation of asking for "uh, you know, that thing with the pages that you read". "A book, mom?" (insert eye roll)
One time it was situation of asking for a snack. Me to Jim. "Can you get me a snack while you're out there?" Jim to me. "What do you want?" "Hmmm...uh...um (no, I couldn't make the words come out)." "Do you want something from the pantry or the refrigerator." "The cold one." Oh, yes, I actually did answer that.
Sometimes I just stop, like opening my mouth and no words will come out. Other times I have talked I I was completely drunk. Had the person next to me tell me to start over because I made no sense at all.
Other times, and those with delicate sensibilities should look away now, I open my mouth and nothing comes out but random f-bombs, what I like to call MS Tourettes. Yes, I know I don't seem the type. Yes, I look sweet and innocent. Yes, I know my mom doesn't like it. No, that word doesn't bother me; it's just a word, after all.
What you wouldn't know unless I told you is that I had to stop typing several times while writing this and rethink words or replace them with other words because I couldn't find the one I was searching for.
I do stop mid sentence sometimes and tell people I just have to start over. It's frustrating and makes me feel stupid. So if I make you play random games, spew profanity or just try to speak and can't make the words come out, just give me a minute. I should be able to make you understand before too long, just be patient.
I was having exactly this problem tonight. I wanted a shallow baking pan. But I kept saying I need a narrow bucket for cooking. As you can imagine it wasn't a terribly helpful description! Ugg MS oh how how I hate what you've done to my brain!
ReplyDeleteI think it's helpful to have other people with cognitive problems in the same room. It's like being able to read your best friend's thoughts.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought with "narrow bucket for cooking" would be a loaf pan, though. We would have had to work together to figure that one out. LOL
I do know exactly what you mean and I find it incredibly frustrating. As do the people around me! I love the phrase MS Tourettes. It's funny how swear words are easy to find in the brain's filing cabinet.
ReplyDeleteThe worst part, I used to be smart! :D
ReplyDeleteReaching for a word is by far the worst part for me
ReplyDeleteIt sucks, for sure.
ReplyDeleteThis is explained beautifully, "the cold one" makes sense to me (unfortunately). I've described it to my mom as playing taboo in real life all the time. If I do it well then others suggest the word for me and don't notice I haven't really said it, just talked around it. You're still smart Tricia, just not like before. I feel that way too. Thank you for saying this so well.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we're smarter for rewording on the fly and having people hardly notice. Yeah, I'm going to go with that.
ReplyDelete