Ups and Downs - Literally

I make it through my days with ups and downs.

Get up to do laundry.  Sit down and check email.  Get up to put laundry in the dryer.  Sit down and rest.  Get up to get the laundry out of the dryer.  Rest some more.

Up and down and up and down and then drink some Mountain Dew to get to naptime.  Up for lunch, down for a few hours, up for dinner, down to play some games online and rest.

When I was first diagnosed with MS, the ups and downs drove me positively crazy.  I tended to push too hard and then pay for it the next day or two.  I didn't quite know how to pace myself and maybe it was me being less receptive to the idea and just not wanting to accept having to take it easy.

I was only 28 when I was diagnosed.  The idea of having to slow down while having a 2 year old was, well, almost unfathomable and seemingly impossible.  On the other hand, not slowing down leads to severe fatigue, balance problems, eyesight problems and on and on and on.  Having those problems exacerbated makes taking care of a toddler much more difficult so we adapted.

This all leads to emotional ups and downs along with the medical ups and downs and the physical ups and downs.  There's the jealousy and desire to be like other moms.  I feel like I let my family down when I can't be the person I want to be.  We all know that this isn't a choice, but that doesn't change that I can't be who I always thought I would.

There's a sense of unfulfillment that comes with not being able to go out into the world, utilize my education, make something of myself beyond being the stain remover and dishes washer.  I know those things are important but it feels lacking.  I tend to go through phases where I get a bit upset about what this all means.  It feels trapping.  Not only am I stuck in a body that will inevitably worsen, but I'm stuck here tying to find fulfillment in things that aren't that fulfilling.

MS is like a teeter totter.  Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down and sometimes the jerk on the other end jumps off and drops you flat on your ass.  Ouch.